I don’t know. Yesterday feels like a fleeting dream. Almost unreal. Today with a full set of classes and a greater realization that all my work is due in the next three weeks has rudely slapped me back to reality. I am thankful for all the stress though, it keeps my mind busy and off of all of the cruel and unusual pain that I saw and felt so clearly just a few days ago. I feel the weight of responsibility on my shoulders but I can finally breathe and be me. I forget how much I love the drama of wondering whether or not I will get the work done in time or not. I love feeling accomplished when I finished a certain number of pages on my paper. The stress and the anxiety thrills me and I am such a nerd right now.
I do wonder why you haven’t reached out to me since we parted, but that’s all it is just a wonder. I’m not exactly fretting every second or analyzing every word or stalking every form of social media I can to try to find the reason because simply I don’t really care. I do love love. I do love spending my time caring for and doing everything I can to put the one I love first, but it gets exhausting when it always feels one sided. So now I need to love myself and respect my own wishes and only settle for what I deserve. I need to actively remind myself what I deserve and what I can no longer put up with, because its something I’ve never really stood by before. I get so caught up in the love and the warm and fuzzies I forget about me and I do whatever I possibly can to reach out for more. Enough is enough.
My mom always scolded me to never be selfish and to always think about others before yourself, and in some ways yeah its good to do so. But at the point where I have let people walk all over me left and right to only take advantage of me over and over again —enough is enough. I’m new at this me empowerment thing and I really like it.
I mean I’m all that I really have. I might as well go into the business of making the most of what I’ve got to work with. If I don’t invest in me, who else will?
Flower Arrangements by Parker Fitzgerald for Kinfolk magazine Vol. 7