to love myself
It took me years
and heart break
I am all I have."
Today I am having a mental breakdown, and like any other days where I break down you are never around. You disappear into the void of silence into the blackness of the unknown. To the point where I can no longer see you, feel you, or reach you. I feel nothing but a trace of what you used to be in my life and it feels like a distant dream. I can’t feel you anymore. And the worst part about it is I don’t know whether I am terrified of what is going to happen next with us or relieved that it can finally end. I am amongst the beginning of a very tumultuous night and you aren’t here.
But that’s the whole point isn’t it? To learn how to cope and manage on my own without you here. To face my own demons and cast them away on my own without you here; or so that is what you say is best. But on my own I’m starting to realize how much I need a friend who I can fully trust with my innermost darkest fears. And the fact that you disappear every time my fears surface makes me see more clearly now that that person isn’t you. That is what you said to me “more than anything I need a friend”. But how can I be such a person for you if you bail on me every time I actually need a real friend?
The odd thing about it all is that it doesn’t hurt that you are gone. It doesn’t hurt that you are out of reach or disappearing into your own life and disregarding me in the process. Maybe it’s because I understand and am happy you are taking steps in your own path in trying to figure yourself out or at least attempt to. Maybe I am relieved that I don’t have to live on a roller coaster of emotions anymore and can finally feel my feet touch the ground. Maybe its because I can finally hear my own thoughts about what I want to do and where I want to go without any second guessing. I’m not really sure, but what I do know now is that I can finally breathe again.
But with every bright light there will always cast a shadow. And even when it doesn’t hurt it does. There are still habits that I cannot break. The sitting by my phone checking form of social media you would be on seeing if you reached out in any way. Waiting and hoping you would call because you said you would even though I know your word means nothing concrete. Still hoping and pining that things will be better and that it will get better for us, even though looking back its already been two years of that with very little progress. I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. What hurts the most is the fact that I am starting to have thoughts that make me feel regret. I am trying to fight all of those thoughts of “how I deserved better”, “what was it all for”, “he could never love you as much as he cared about himself”, “people don’t truly change”, “how could you let this get this far”, but I just can’t anymore because they’re right. And it kills me that they’re right. That is what hurts the most.
That is what it feels like. Like I am killing myself from the past me outward. I may have tanked my interview today but I feel different. I feel like what Megan is supposed to feel like after graduation, like a newly formed adult. And with every new stage in my life I have to clean out all the old, unnecessary pain and drama in my life to make way for the new and brighter future (preferably one with more smiles than tears). I’m not sure what that necessarily entails, but I for sure know that it now longer means settling for way less that I know deserve.
I, miss, and you three of the simplest words when standing alone, but once standing alongside each other creates the biggest compounded sentence one can hear. What does that mean? To miss you. I never believed in missing someone. It never occurred to me that a person could be missed once they are no longer in your life. That is just how life worked and there was no point in missing them because it just held you back from all the new experiences that are left for you to take on. If you are truly happy with how your life is and what’s going for you at the moment how is there a rational reason to miss someone who (just like you) chose not to be there anymore. Missing someone puts you back in the past. It puts you where you were once upon a time when you had that experience with someone. You were there. You felt a certain way, but all of those things are no longer relevant for today or tomorrow unless you actively go about to make a change about it.
I think missing someone is laziness coated beneath an emotional nostalgic glaze. I mean if you miss someone do something about it. Make an effort to reach out. To see them. To keep them in your life. If they no longer want to be there than respect that. For you were part of the reason, or the entire reason why they are no longer there. But there is no logical point to sit and dwell on what could have been or what could happen if. Because there are billions of other people out there in the world. Billions of other people who are better for you than those that chose to walk out of your life, who couldn’t see how much you were worth beneath your inevitable flaws. There will always be brighter days ahead, with more light even when contrasting amongst the darkness. There will be also be days where dark clouds encircle you and there is nowhere to go but down the rabbit hole of the past. Just breathe and never forget the good in the day.
I do miss you. But I don’t know how much that is worth with me anymore.