I need to stop pretending to have control over something I cannot change. Some things just happen. Some things just don’t work out. Life moves on. The memories, the good, the happiness, the love, the pain, the betrayal, the heartbreak will always be there, but there comes a point where you have to realize there is no light at the end of the tunnel. It sounds pessimistic and disheartening but reality isn’t always like what happens in movies and fairytales. Sometimes all the hard work, the pain you endure, all the love you could possibly offer simply isn’t enough. Sometimes you have to accept that things are not meant to be no matter how much you will it to. It hurts. Like reliving the fall to hell over and over again every time I manage to get back on my feet again.
But hurt isn’t so bad. Hurt if taken the right way will help you to grow—it will motivate you to change and do whatever you can to veer from the pain. It also has the propensity to open the possibility of running away from all your troubles into the shade of something familiar, comfortable, but over time you realize that comfortability and security will never bring you complete happiness. You can’t live a fulfilling life if you are stuck doing what you know, and what comes easy. I mean everybody does it. I’ve been putting off the fact that in a couple of weeks my time as an undergraduate student will be over. I will become officially an “adult” and a part of society, another cog in the machinery of life and it terrifies me. I’ve forgotten my goals of someday making some sort of a difference because I’ve been hiding behind my fears of not being able to really amount to anything. I’m 21 years old and the world is my oyster, but I don’t think I am ready. Then again, no one is ever fully ready, even when they say they are no one is ever ready to be kicked out of the nest to go free falling into being a full on “responsible adult”.
I act like I am all knowing of what love is really like and how encompassing it is. But I don’t. I just know what it shouldn’t be. It shouldn’t hurt all the time. It shouldn’t leave me in tears every day. It shouldn’t always feel one sided—or rather I shouldn’t care whether it was one sided at all. It shouldn’t be exhausting. It shouldn’t be paranoid and mistrustful. It shouldn’t be a tit for tat. It shouldn’t be filled with betrayal. It shouldn’t always be so hard. I’m tired. I am so tired. This isn’t something I should have ever stood for. Something I will no longer stand for anymore. I have to stay strong, I can’t settle for anything short of what I deserve for one more second. I want to feel what it is like to be put first in someones eyes especially before themselves for once. Love isn’t about the feeling or the emotions that come along with being with someone and what they can do for you, it’s about doing all you possibly can to make the one you love happy and not settling for anything less.
The city looks so peaceful from up here.
Anything is peaceful from one thousand three hundred and fifty three feet.